Episode Transcript

[00:00:00] Sharene: So Gary, what age would you say that you officially went out on your own and actually lived, started living an adult life? 

[00:00:11] Gary: To be honest with you, I would probably say maybe 24, 25, yeah, that, that was like the start of it, but I don’t think, I really don’t think it started until maybe, um, officially moved down here.

[00:00:25] Sharene: That was what, 2010. And you were how old then? 

[00:00:31] Gary: Shoot? 

[00:00:32] Sharene: You ain’t even, even like your late twenties? 

[00:00:34] Gary: Yeah, like 26, 27. 

[00:00:37] Sharene: That’s when you, yeah. 

[00:00:38] Gary: Yeah. 

[00:00:38] Sharene: I don’t know what age, well, let me ask you this. So do you feel that you would call yourself an eternal adolescents? 

[00:00:47] Gary: Personally, at this point? No, but when I first moved down here? Yeah. Yeah. Cause I still, I still didn’t have things in check. I still didn’t have my mind on, you know, my head on. Right. I’m still trying to figure things out. 

[00:01:03] Sharene: That’s interesting because of what eternal adolescence actually means, but that’s what we’re going to get into, so. 

[00:01:11] Gary: So with that, let’s get into it. 

[00:01:14] Intro/Outro: Let’s get into another episode of black relativity. Where we discuss all topics, tribulations, and issues that are experienced within the black community.

From the standard to the most controversial, no filters, no boundaries. Just real talk. This is black relativity with your hosts, Gary and Sharene Mariner. 

[00:01:38] Gary: So this whole understanding or ideology around what’s called eternal adolescents kinda came up when we were watching an episode of Joy Reed. Um, one of the commentators on there was talking about it and it sparked in my mind, what does that mean when thinking about us in the black community, you know, and I pulled up the definition from Britannica. You guys can look this up with Google it as far as adolescents, which is a transitional phase of growth between childhood and adulthood. Which goes back to the start of this episode where Sharene asked me when I first felt like I grew up, you know, came out of adolescence and we have a lot of people who just don’t grow out of that.

[00:02:24] Sharene: And well, that’s, that’s what stems into the definition of eternal adolescence. It’s those who kind of remain in that adolescent phase for an extended period of time? I think kind of like the average, you know, people look at, uh, 18 as being an age that you become an adult. And when you go past that in are still kind of living in the adolescent ways, um, that we’ll go through, uh, that’s what is meant by eternal adolescence.

[00:02:53] Gary: And, you know, to be honest with you, a lot of people, just because you get 18 or you get 21 and you, you know, going to college, you get a little bit of freedom or anything like that. Doesn’t that does not mean that you’re an adult. You know what I’m saying? You still are a child, mentally, and you haven’t learned how to be an adult yet. You’re still in the adolescent phase. 

[00:03:15] Sharene: I don’t know if I will completely agree with that. Um, and I, I think, I think it depends on the person. When you look at a situation, I think it’s kind of a transition still to a certain degree, but I still think that it depends on the person because you have some people who will go off to college and they may have their parents paying for college.

They may have, uh, their parents sending them money every month or every couple of weeks for them to be able to buy things and, and do different things like that. Um, I can look at my own example. My parents didn’t pay for my college. I had to pay for it myself, whether it was from scholarships that I had to apply to, um, myself or, um, it was from student loans.

And there were times where my parents did send me, uh, money here and there, it wasn’t that often. And even. At the, I think it was primarily during the first year that my parents would send me money because after that, for myself, when I would do internships during the summer, I would do these competitions for the biomedical research that I would do that would allow me to win money.

And that money would be the money that I made myself that I could use throughout that coming year, uh, to help pay for things. 

[00:04:30] Gary: Now see, I have a completely different scenario. You know, my situation, when it came down to paying for college, that was a really traumatic experience for me given the fact that I was a little bit, I was very sexual as a teenager.

And so I ended up having a kid early. I had a kid at 16, almost 17 years old. So I had to get a job while I was in high school to pay for child support. So I didn’t really have the time to put all my energy into books. Because I had bills that I had to pay. Now at the same time, I had a lot that was pushing against wanting to be an adult and doing the things that I had to do because I still was a teenager.

And so I still want to live that life. You know, going around partying, hanging out with my friends or whatever that I couldn’t do every summer or every break because I had to spend all of my time nine to five, or I was, I was working at a car dealership, so I was working nine to nine. 

[00:05:28] Sharene: But that, that, I think that that’s all part of things that adults end up doing as well.

They learn from different choices that they make and learn what they have to now do because of situations that they may be in. 

[00:05:41] Gary: And I think that’s part of the reason why I separated or a lot of my friends and me separated as time passed on because I had responsibilities that I had to take care of. And there were things that I just could not do and things that I could not be a part of and so on and so forth that steered me away from things that would have kept me in a particular mindset.

And we’re going to, going to dive into what those things are. And I know a lot of you have seen this. And as we speak about or go through the episode, you’re gonna here things that may trigger something in your brain or make you think about someone or make you remember a movie or anything like that, that is going to help define what this whole understanding of eternal adolescents is.

But before I get into that real quick, I just wanted to say there are good examples of people who stay home and build themselves up before leaving the household and I know a lot of families who do that as far as Indian families, I know Asian families who do that. I know a lot of European families who do that, who have, you know, kids who grow up, go through high school, go through college, come back home and still have a job.

And don’t leave the house until they’re married and have kids because they keep all the money within the household and keep saving until they have a good place. Or a cement to build off of so that they can start well on their own. 

[00:07:12] Sharene: Yeah. I can agree with that. 

[00:07:14] Gary: But then you have the flip of that, where you have people who just don’t want to leave because they either refuse to grow up. They refuse to accept responsibilities or what we who have to uh, adult or what we would call adulting. Well, they refuse to do it. They just don’t want to deal with those responsibilities. 

[00:07:38] Sharene: But then you have to wonder where, where does something like that stem from? Um, you know, is that something that is kind of.

Trained into them, so to speak, uh, as they grow up? You know, you have a lot of parents out there who may coddle their children and they’re constantly doing everything for them all the time. I mean, I have that within my own family. And you know, when, when you have a parent that is constantly doing, doing, doing for you, um, you grow up being used to being used to that.

We just, uh, we just found, we, we were watching a episode of hoarders actually, um, which was like, kind of like a funny relation, excuse me. And the episode of hoarders, they were talking about these adult kids who they may live outside of their parents’ house or their mother’s house, but they were so used to doing things, how they wanted to do it.

And their mother did everything for them, gave them money and everything that that became their norm. They would call their mom and always ask for money and where can she get money for this? And, and that, and, and, and she enabled them by continuing to do so. 

[00:08:50] Gary: You know, another funny story when thinking about it, I have a lot of people in my own family who complain or used to complain to my mom about the fact that she would baby me, because number one, I’m an only child.

She couldn’t have any more children after me. And I was her pride and joy. So of course she wanted to make sure that I was all right, but there were things that they just didn’t know that she did for me, to prepare me or to force me to have to deal on my own or force me to do as a man. But I know a lot of men who didn’t have that, or weren’t raised with those things, or weren’t put into situations where they had to make those men or adult-like decisions. And so now when I look at the things that were ingrained in me, and even like you said, Sharene, when watching that episode of hoarders it’s like those kids were crack addicts and drug. 

[00:09:48] Sharene: You called them kids, but they were grown adults. 

[00:09:49] Gary: Yeah! But that’s the thing tho. Mentally, mentally, they were still kids. And you realize that most of this is dealing with trauma, you know, mental trauma that you either not, you haven’t gone grown pass or grown, grown out of, and you haven’t allowed yourself to mature. And so you stay in this mindset where I have to leech off of you, or I have to use you to get what I need in order to do what I want to do instead of figuring out how to do that as an adult on your own.

[00:10:23] Sharene: And then within the question comes, I mean, I think there’s a, I think that there’s a flip side to that as well, because I know I was reading an article where, you know, it was questioning whether eternal adolescence is actually a thing. If you’re looking at the age of adulthood being like 18 or older and looking at whether or not people of that age of 18 are actually ready for the responsibilities of adulthood at that time. You look at what is occurring at that age. You got, you know, the age where, you know, there may be a lot of hormones fluctuating. You’re just graduating from High school. You may not have a job at that time because you were focused on school. And so your responsibilities may have just been going to school and coming home, doing homework and everything.

So when you turn 18, you know, there just seems to be this expectation that, you know, okay, bam, I’m supposed to be an adult now, now by, you know, go get your place, you know, go ahead and pay for this and that on your own or whatever. But in some instances it just may not be that easy. Now the flip side that I’m speaking about is looking at the, like an age range of like 18 to 25.

I think that’s the age range that they, that a lot of, um, sites kinda mentioned. Um, I look at that as like the transition into adulthood, you know, and, and it can be, there can be a transition a little bit before that, too, that we could talk about but that 18 to 25. It’s kind of like, okay, let’s, you’re finished with school now let’s start to transition you into that responsibility of adulthood, whether it’s paying for things or things like that. So before a person may leave the house after they’re 18, they may go ahead and get a job. And then when they got their job, they still may be living with their parents, but their parents can have them pay him part of the rent or mortgage, or have them paying certain bills and everything to get in the habit of knowing that okay. When you get your money from your job. It’s not just money for you to go out and spend on whatever you want. When you are out on your own, you’re going to have these responsibilities. So getting in that mindset, but knowing that you still have that, that cushion, because you’re still there with your parents. So if some part of that, that transition you, you fail for a second.

You still have that cushion of your parents to kind of get back up and then try again, you know, so this way you can kind of get your bearings. So when you do go out there on your own, you’re less likely to fail. 

[00:12:43] Gary: You know, I had a lot of issues with that personally, I’m an, I’m gonna go over a couple of different things that Sharene talked about going in to college directly from high school.

Like I said earlier, I was very sexually, you know, I was a very sexual person in my later years of high school. Going from high school where I had to come home to my parents and I had to deal with, you know, it’s their house, it’s their rules. So on and so forth. Now I’m in college, I’m in a dorm and there are no rules, no regulations, no time limits, no nothing.

I can do what I want when I want to do it. It was, uh, it was, it was crazy for me, but I still had to work. I still had child support that I had to pay. So for me, it was 50 50 where I was able to be excessive, but I also had to do what I had to do. I didn’t have friends who did that. I have friends who just went to school and wild the hell out.

And I don’t know, a lot of those friends are, you know, a lot of them kind of like just either ended up either in a gang or ended up you know, with a bunch of baby moms or never really made anything with their life or whatever the case would be. And I only had a small amount of friends who actually became something.

So the scenario or the percentage to me, as far as what I saw in the environment that I grew up, I knew more people between that age of 18 to 25, who ended up staying in that adolescent mindset and either ended up doing a lot of drugs, you know, smoking weed all day, everyday, never amounted to anything that would becoming anything, you know, being highly sexual whole bunch of baby moms, whole bunch of drama.

You know, never grew up and changed the way that they looked, the way they talked, the way they dressed or anything, they just stayed in this 18 to 21 year old mentality. 

[00:14:37] Sharene: But why is that? Is that because no one’s telling them differently? 

[00:14:41] Gary: Well, at the same time and this kind of leads back to the previous episode about friendships and the reasons why we don’t really talk to or deal with a lot of different people, because at the T at the age that we are.

With the responsibilities that we have, the children that we have and all the responsibilities that we have, we have to present things a certain way. And if everybody around you, if you’re circle makes you feel that that’s okay. Because looking at the percentage of people who didn’t become anything in, in, in college, you know, and I, you know, I started out at Hofstra university great college, but then I went to Nassau community college because of some financial, like I said, traumatic stuff going on in my life.

A lot of the people that I came across in Nassau community college looked like they were still in high school and all of those people we’re perfectly fine with just being some hood person on the street, continuing with the mentality of high school. So if that’s your circle, then, of course, it’s perfectly acceptable for you to go around acting that way, talking that way, looking that way, dressing that way, you know, or the only thing that’s popular to you is what you see on TV.

What you see on Instagram, on an, on, you know, MTV BET blah, blah, blah. And you think that’s the way that you’re supposed to be. You think that’s the way you’re supposed to dress, act, talk and treat people. 

[00:16:01] Sharene: But also, remember the fact that, you know, college, at least in my mindset, Uh, is some what like a transitional period. And when you first get into college, yeah. You still look like you’re in high school because you just came from high school. So what you know is what you’ve done already in high school and the whole, the goal, one of the goals of college outside of, you know, getting your degree and everything else, education that goes along with it is that you start to find yourself more and you make that transition into adulthood.

You’re going to come out differently than you did when you went in. So I always think about that when it comes to college, because when I went in the college, yeah, I was still doing things like I was doing in, in high school. I could definitely tell the difference when I look at pictures from when I first started college and, and how I dressed and things like that to the, when it got, when it got, when it became days before graduation or graduation day.

And the difference in the maturity look that I, that I had at that time to show that growth. 

[00:16:59] Gary: And I guess for me, and it’s, you know to, tie it once again, back to the previous episode where, how we look at friendships, but also to tie it into, you know, I know different women who may complain about the fact that you’ll come across some guy who’s in his late thirties, his forties, his fifties who still dressing like he’s 20, he’s got skinny jeans on. He’s wearing ripped jeans. He’s wearing stuff that you see in a music video. He’s talking like one of these young cats, he hasn’t grown up. He hasn’t matured. 

[00:17:36] Sharene: But then you have to think about what in their mind, what is the definition? What is their definition of growing up? That could be their definition of growing up who’s to say what’s considered right or wrong. I mean, I, I, I can’t, I mean, we know what. Growing up to us signifies and the look that that may present itself as, but you know, when you’re talking about a new generation and the things changing the way that, that it, that it does.

And in the fashion world, as far as how people dress in everything, it could be slightly different. 

[00:18:07] Gary: I think a perfect example of that. And I had spoke to you about this Sharene is the movie, “Baby Boy”, you got the main character whose in his thirties. 

[00:18:19] Sharene: Jodi. 

[00:18:19] Gary: Jodi, he’s living at home, with his mother. He refuses to do anything with his life.

[00:18:28] Sharene: Well, I wouldn’t say that he’s trying to do something because you know, he went and was trying to, you know, sell clothes on the side. 

[00:18:34] Gary: He was doing the entrepreneurial thing, but in the beginning, before he did that, He was kind of a light, like Taraji said he was a bum. He was, he was a bum. He was, he wasn’t doing nothing with his life.

It wasn’t until he decided he wanted to try and do something serious and change. Then he started to do the whole independent thing and he started selling clothes and he had a knack for it, but then he tried to get his homie to come on, what was his homie’s name?

[00:19:00] Sharene: He wanted, he wanted his, his friend wanted to come on with him, wanted to be able to do that and wanting to be able to do that with him. And so he was trying him out for it. I don’t think he, I don’t think he went to him to try to get. 

[00:19:14] Gary: It’s true now. You’re right. But then you realize, and this is something that I realized you’re circle that you’re in at a time when you’re down is not the circle that you’re with when you’re up, because if they can’t grow with you, they get left behind because they’re still stuck in the mentality. And his friend sweatpea is his closest friend was so far stuck in that mentality. And he couldn’t come out of it.

[00:19:43] Sharene: Well, he was stuck in it, but he did, he did come out of it to a certain degree because he, you know, he had the issue with his girlfriend and his girlfriend’s mom. And, uh, toward the end of the movie, he ended up getting baptized and everything, you know, trying to do more positive things in his life. 

[00:19:58] Gary: Yeah at the end. But it’s a, it took him a little while. 

[00:20:02] Sharene: The, the whole point is that he was kind of stuck with being there with his mother and, and feeling like he was the man of the house at his mother’s house and needing to learn how to get out there and be on his own because he had a family that he needed to take care of and he needed to be able to quote unquote, grow up, to be able to, to be an adult and take care of his responsibilities.

[00:20:25] Gary: Correct. And you know, some of that I actually connect to, because there was a point in time in my life where things got really traumatic for me. I went into a real dark moment and I kind of tried to abandon everything. And that was me trying to rage against the machine. And if it wasn’t for me, trying to really look at what I had to do for my child and what I wanted my child to see in me and what I wanted a future for the child, I then rebounded. And that’s what started my whole career with At&t like, literally, that’s what started in that, that forced me into maturing and becoming more of an adult, you know, looking at the responsibilities that I had to take care of and trying to be a man about my ish.

[00:21:11] Sharene: And that’s something that I definitely try to instill in, in our son, even though he’s only four, but I am constantly trying to make him very independent, but also very responsible by making sure that he does a lot of things on his own. Now still being four, he’s gonna want mommy to kind of. To do things for him or with him, but I want him to start learning to be able to take care of things and himself, you know, to, to learn, to do things himself and not always need me or his dad to do it for him.

[00:21:47] Gary: And on the flip side, The 21 year old, like I said, I had a child when I was 16, almost 17. So I got a 20, 21 year old. Now he’s living with us and he’s getting ready to graduate from college. And I also have the conversations with him about exactly what he needs to prepare for when being an adult and getting a job just like Sharene said, we’ll give him some time.

To help him get on his feet, but he’s going to have to take over a bill. He’s going to have to get used to paying for things on his own on time and making sure that he builds up credit so that he gets prepared to be an adult on his own two feet. 

[00:22:24] Sharene: And it’s not just about paying money either. Um, when, when you’re talking about that transition with, with someone who is 18 within that 18 to 25 year old range. You also look at just responsibilities, not necessarily financial, but things like, like the chores that are done around the house, making sure things are clean, making sure you keep all of your stuff clean. You know, you, you want to instill those. Those responsibilities.

So they know that when they go out and have their own place, they they’re not, you know, they’re not a slob. 

[00:22:56] Gary: Yup. Um, where we’re real big on making sure that you wash your own clothes, you clean your bathroom, you clean your room, you keep up with your stuff, the trash, all of it. You participate in everything needs to go on in the house. You know, I even try my hardest to make sure that everybody sits down at the dinner table and talks to each other, just so that, you know, especially because right now you don’t really have a lot of people who are doing communication because we’re so stuck on our phones and technology that you don’t actually communicate.

And one of the biggest issues that you have with the newer generation is they don’t know how to talk. So we try to keep that. 

[00:23:33] Sharene: Socialization skills is kind of lacking as far as in-person socialization. They may socialize online, uh, you know, on social media and everything. And, and, you know, the whole thing with technology, as far as computers and phones and tablets, and you know, that that could potentially be another reason why people may be stuck in that adolescent phase or that eternal adolescent concept. 

[00:23:54] Gary: I agree. 

[00:23:55] Sharene: It, it, it just kind of. Separates you, you know, and it, depending on what you’re constantly looking at or watching, it can keep it kinda keep, can keep you stuck. You know, one of my family members is kind of stuck in the nineties. You know, a lot of things that, that they may watch or look at is things that, that may remind them of their past.

And, and it’s not bringing them up to date to what’s going on now. So. It, it can kind of keep you stuck. It can help you advance if you’re using it in the correct way, but it can also kind of keep you back from, uh, moving forward. 

[00:24:29] Gary: When I was younger before high school. One of the things that I used to love to do is go over to what we would call the garage. You know, my family, they owned a limousine business and all of my grandfather’s brothers and so on would get together at the garage and they would sit down and they would play poker or cards or whatever, and smoke. But being around those people who were the older generation, listening to them, talk about life or whatever the case may be.

It gave you the capability of understanding the mentality of a man. Of someone who, you know, took care of the responsibilities, did what they had to do. It showed you what you needed to be. We don’t really have that anymore. I don’t really know too many people who have. That type of village that they can go to and sit down and talk to and get that understanding that we may have had as a, as a kid.

Cause I remember, I know you Sharene you know, you grew up, you know, around a whole bunch of your family and you got to experience all of them and how they interacted with each other. 

[00:25:38] Sharene: Yeah. I mean the majority, if not all of my father’s side of the family, we all lived on the same block for a long time in Staten island. And my mother’s side was always in South Carolina, but yeah, I was able to. Um, be around them and kinda learn a lot of things because we were, we lived so close together, but now my family is spread out there, you know, in New York, they’re in Georgia, they’re in Texas, probably in Florida as well. I mean, you know, we’re all spread out, so it’s not, it’s not easy to kind of, uh, have everybody together all the time like that.

[00:26:15] Gary: I mean the same thing here, you know, If my family’s not in New York, then New Jersey, South Carolina, North Carolina, Texas. So everybody’s spread apart. But when I was younger, we all used to come together and we used to have these times where we got to learn and grow from each other. And that’s how I was able to mature so easily when it was time.

[00:26:39] Sharene: But also look at, look at things like when we were younger, how easy and, and. How much more safe it may have been for us to kind of just kind of go out and do stuff. I mean, I remember just being young and my mother would send me to the store that was across the street. You know, we’re not doing that right now. Um, you know, a lot of people are more skiddish about sending, sending their kids out.

I mean, I would go out and we would play outside, you know, with a bunch of kids by ourselves. Our parents didn’t have to stand there and be looking around and make sure. That nobody took us or anything, they, we would be outside. And then, you know, they would look out the window and they would see, see us playing.

Um, and, and that kind of gave us that first feel of freedom without having our parents hovering over us. And I know for me being able to get that and seeing that with my family, uh, being, uh, living so close together, that gave me that, such big desire to want to have that freedom and, and be out there on my own as I got older, because after once I graduated high school, two months later, I moved out.

Now I didn’t move out on my own. Cause clearly I didn’t have a job right after I graduated high school, but I moved out. I moved down to South Carolina to stay with my grandmother and got a job as a nurse down there, but I was ready to go. I was ready to get out under the umbrella of my parents, even though I went under my grandmother.

But I still had a little, I had a bit more freedom, um, at that time. And then six months later it was okay, I’m going off to college. And that gave me, that opened me up to a lot more freedom. I never wanted to go home during the weekends. I always wanted to stay at the school because I didn’t want that umbrella of authority.

I wanted to be able to go and do what I wanted to do. And, I know a conversation that I’ve had with my dad a while ago, where he said that you don’t, you don’t see kids who have that desire like that anymore. When he was younger, he was ready to get out the house when he was able to. And, and right now you don’t really see that desire where when kids become an adult at quote unquote 18, that they’re just ready to try to do what they need to do to get out on their own.

[00:28:45] Gary: You know? And that brings about an interesting question. Um, before I get there, you know, you’re making. You making another really good point. You know, when thinking about my eldest son and thinking about everything that he has been through and how he hasn’t had those opportunities to really see the world, to get that opportunity to, you know, be separate and have that time alone, you know, this is the reason why we kind of pushed for him to go away to college before COVID started.

And thanks to that, he had a desire to want to get out of the house. Once he finished college and he got himself on his own two feet. So I’m happy for that, because if that didn’t happen before college. 

[00:29:28] Sharene: He was a hermit. 

[00:29:29] Gary: Yeah he’s hermit. His whole mindset was, yeah, I’m just going to work down the street and I’m just going to live here with you.

And it was like, Nah B, that’s not happening. That’s not happening homie. I mean, you know, we’ll give you what you need to do in the beginning until you get your feet wet, and Other than that, you’re going to get the heck out. Um. 

[00:29:45] Sharene: Yeah, I need my exercise room.

[00:29:48] Gary: But you’re right. There’s a lot of people who just have not had the experience to see what it’s like to get out the house and be without that, you know, adult over your shoulder, like you can’t do this, you in my house, you gonna do what I told you to do when I tell you to do it. 

[00:30:05] Sharene: And they don’t know that until they. They don’t know the, the feeling of that freedom until they experience that. I remember when we was talking, uh, we were talking to the 21 year old and this was before he went to college and we had a comp, we was having a conversation about, you know, yay or nay about going to college. And I was expressing the freedom, you know, to be able to do what you want and this, that, and the other.

And you know, you don’t have parents over you, uh, you know, hovering over you telling you what to do and when to come and go. And he wasn’t really thrilled about that. He wasn’t really, he was just, that was another, yeah, it was like whatever to him, like it wasn’t something that he really thought that he wanted. And then once he finally went to college. 

[00:30:49] Gary: He came back for like a break or whatever, and he was so ready to get the heck back over there. 

[00:30:55] Sharene: Exactly, Exactly! 

[00:30:57] Gary: And it’s like, when you think about that, and this is why I said that this is such a good point that you made, what would all of these people get out of, getting the heck out the house for a year, a year or two? Where you were put into a situation where you got to live on your own accord, the way that you want to do without having to worry about hearing nobody’s lip or whatever the case may be.

[00:31:23] Sharene: But you got people that can’t get that experience. When you talk about like somebody going away for a year, like even to college, you know, some people can’t afford going to college, so they have to think of alternative ways. So I look at how do you, how do you do similar to the, to the experience that I have? How do you give kids as they’re growing up that experience of freedom now in this day and age? You know, cause I wondered that just for our four year old, I’m wondering how to do that. We don’t have a store across the street that I’m about to go send him to, you know, everywhere we go because we’re in Georgia, we’re we’re going to drive.

So. I mean, you know, maybe I don’t, I don’t know. I can’t even answer that question. I don’t know what that freedom is going to look like. I have to kind of think about that. 

[00:32:06] Gary: I mean, you know, I was the type of person, you know, I was in the boy Scouts, you know, I’m an Eagle scout, you know, Order of the Arrow, all of that good stuff.

Um, you know, so I would go on camping trips with, you know, everybody in my troop and blah, blah, blah. And we would be gone for. 

[00:32:21] Sharene: But did you have a supervisor? 

[00:32:23] Gary: Yeah, we had a supervisor. 

[00:32:24] Sharene: That’s, that’s the whole thing you don’t that you don’t when you’re cause when you’re in college and I’m just used college, because it’s just an example. It’s just a good example. It doesn’t have to necessarily be college, but I’m looking at the experience where when you’re in college, you’re in a situation where you have to make the choice yourself to get up and go to. Uh, go to the coder class. You don’t have anybody. That’s sitting there telling you, okay, today we’re going to do this.

You have your schedule. Now you have to go to college. You got to make sure that you eat. You got to make sure that your financial aid is in order. You have to make sure all this stuff or you’re going to get kicked out and that’s going to be the end of it. Everything the responsibility is on you. The only thing that, and this is what I what’s this well, we told, uh, the 21, the 21 year old D they’re responsible, all that responsibility is on you.

The only thing that, that you don’t have to necessarily worry about in college is paying for rent. Unless you’re living off campus or something. But if you’re, you know, if you’re in a situation where you got financial aid or scholarships covering your room and board, you don’t have to worry about rent, electricity and all of that stuff.

That’s not something that you have to worry about then but you’re responsible for making sure that you get through college and making sure every, all your stuff is in order and that you eat and survive, you know, but also have fun, you know, you do what you supposed to do to get through, but then you also enjoy yourself.

That’s all your responsibility. And that’s the freedom that I’m talking about. 

[00:33:46] Gary: You’re right. Not a lot of people get that opportunity. And I think because not a lot of people get that opportunity and we have the type of lifestyle that we’re going through at the current moment. You’ve got COVID you got, you know, the social media, kind of the, not social people, not being social.

You know, you have all of these things that are contributing to the fact that people don’t have the desire. To get it back. 

[00:34:18] Sharene: How do you, how do you get, how do you give somebody that desire? I mean, and what is, what is making the desire? What does making someone lack that desire? Are they just, are they scared? You know, and part of that could be fear, you know, but what caused that fear? Could it be seeing what their parents are dealing with and, you know, maybe you got stressed parents and they’re running around talking about, oh, how am I going to pay for this? And, you know, we gotta fix this. So the house, and they’re like, I don’t want those issues. I’m just gonna stay here as long as I can without, so I don’t have to deal with that. I mean, what causes that fear and how to get them out of that? 

[00:34:51] Gary: And then the thing about it is, and this goes back to the question that I was saying earlier, I was going to make, I was going to bring about. Is so if the world that we’re living in is pushing people to not want that then is everything that we just talked about is that literally what’s pushing forward this eternal adolescence?

[00:35:14] Sharene: Yeah, I mean, and I’m pretty sure it is because you don’t have that one, you don’t have that exposure. So you don’t get that desire to kind of get out there on your own. You become, uh, comfortable and complacent. In your current situation, that that comfortability is, is, is a big one. You become comfortable, which also kind of brings about the fear of getting out of that comfort.

If you’re a person that kind of fears change, because you don’t know what that’s going to lead to, you don’t know, that unknown is scary. That’s going to kind of keep you in the situation that you’re in. Um, all those things are going to play a factor in someone staying in that eternal adolescent phase. So there have to be some things that are going to help help a person move out of that.

Or are you going to have your children there forever? I mean, you know, we all love our kids and everything, but I mean, you know, after a while, you’re going to want your child to get out there on your own because you’re not going to be there forever. So you want to know that your child is good. 

[00:36:09] Gary: You know, it’s so funny, earlier on Sharene had talked about the fact that we were watching. An episode of hoarders and she loves the hoarders series. 

[00:36:20] Sharene: Cause I like, I like organization. I’m very big on organization, so, that just. 

[00:36:24] Gary: It’s not just the organization. I think it has more to do with the. 

[00:36:28] Sharene: It’s the mindset too, yeah. 

[00:36:29] Gary: The mindset. 

[00:36:30] Sharene: The psychological aspect of it. What’s going on in their minds to make them be like that. 

[00:36:33] Gary: You’re very big on getting into the psychological of things and the, when you brought up the whole understanding of change. And how people are very apprehensive to change. That’s a big thing. 

[00:36:50] Sharene: It is. 

[00:36:51] Gary: You know, change shuts people down in so many different ways and causes us to make some of the worst decisions in life, or they can cripple you in some of the worst ways. And because we’re just not capable of dealing that there’s so many people who just are not capable of dealing with change. 

[00:37:11] Sharene: It’s change and that fear of failure. I think that’s also a big part of it is a fear of failure, but it’s also about taking that chance. And it was just like I had mentioned to you the other day with another situation that you either going to. Take a chance or you, you’re either taking a chance or you remain where you’re comfortable, you know, and some people may choose to remain where they’re comfortable and that’s fine if that’s, you know, benefiting you.

And if you’re allowed to do that, I mean, as an adolescent you can’t really stay where you’re comfortable when you’re having somebody push you out of that. Um, like your parents or something. So it’s much better to go about trying to take a chance, you know, take a chance while you have your parents there that can provide a cushion.

Or something to fall back on if you need. I mean, when I went away to, to college, to graduate school and I was there, I was only there a couple of months and I was sustaining myself and I was doing things on my own and everything. And I had that was getting a stipend from the school. So I had an actual apartment that I had to pay for.

I had no car, so I had to figure out how to get furniture and all that. I hated it. I hated it. And I, I, I just, I couldn’t handle it at the time. I could not handle it. Two months after being there. I left, I left. My parents, they were in Georgia. So my parents said, come on back home, you know, come on back home or whatever.

And they allowed me to fall on that cushion. And once I fell on that cushion, okay, I got back up and I said, okay, what am I going to do now? And because I just, I didn’t want to sit around. I’m just not that type of person I’m ready to go and I need to figure out how to get to that point. So I wanted to be able to get up and find a way. I have my own little side business. I was doing photo editing for photographers. So I was making money on the side while I tried to figure out what my, uh, regular nine to five was going to be. And once I found that I just kept moving forward and got myself a car. And, you know, once I started establishing what my income was, I went and got an apartment and I was gone and went back to my adulting, but I was glad to have that cushion.

So this way I could restart myself and then continue to move forward. 

[00:39:24] Gary: That was a great story.

Um. 

[00:39:29] Sharene: It’s a relevant story to what we are talking about. 

[00:39:31] Gary: It was a really good relevant story, but it was a good story at the same time, because you don’t really have, well, let me say this. I try to correct myself before I make blanket statements. I don’t really know too many people who did what you did or who went and focused the way that you did, you know, use the opportunity when things didn’t work out, you double back, you use the help that your parents gave you to lift yourself up and get yourself back on your feet. And now that was you. In 2008, 2009, 2000? 

[00:40:06] Sharene: No, that was 2000. It was, it was 2006 when I. When it was 2006 when I left, uh, and came down to stay back with my parents because I, and I, and I fell on that cushion. That was 2006. 

[00:40:20] Gary: So that’s when I came down here and tried to get you at the hotel that time.

[00:40:23] Sharene: No, that was four years. No, that was, that was about three. No, that was about three years later. Three years later. That’s when that’s, when that, when you first came down here, that was three years later. And then a year later, That was when we had officially gotten together. And I was still at my parents at that time, but I had already started my, got my, my career going at a regular job.

I started my career then and I had that established. You moved out once I finally. Got myself situated and said, okay, I’m out of here. And I got my own place and I started my adulting again. And then that’s when you came in, we kind of started our, um, family life together. 

[00:41:06] Gary: So for me, there’s, there’s two key things that I look at in my growth from leaving Nassau community college, um, all the way until 2010, when we got together. I really didn’t have a lot to double back on. I did have a basement apartment that, you know, I went through some real traumatic things going on in there until I found myself. And that’s when I got the job with At&t things really, really took a big turn around and I was really responsible. I was there for my child. I was paying for things.

I was doing everything that I was supposed to be doing as a man and as a father, um, that was the highlight of my life. And then things went all the way down again. And I didn’t pick back up until I got with you. And what I found funny about what you were talking about as far as, you know, you have to take a chance, you can’t be afraid to change you can’t be afraid of no.

In a previous episode, if you all have listened to the previous episode, you will know that I have a problem with hollering at a girl. I am not good with the answer. No. If I come and try and talk to you and you shut me down, it like cripples me. I don’t know why. I just that’s just who I am. 

[00:42:26] Sharene: Oh, you mean hollering as trying to get with. 

[00:42:28] Gary: Trying to holla at a girl. 

[00:42:29] Sharene: I thought you meant hollering, like yelling and I’m like, where’s this going?

[00:42:32] Gary: Holla, Holla, Holla, Holla, Let me holla at cha, holla at cha.. Anyway. 

Um,

[00:42:43] Sharene: continue Gary. 

[00:42:47] Gary: Like I said in the previous episode, Sharene to me, when I came across her was one of those girls that I would like break down into sweats. And I really wouldn’t know what to say. 

[00:42:58] Sharene: But you knew what to do because you tried to jump all over me. 

[00:43:01] Gary: See, there’s a difference between knowing what to do. Cause I know what to do. 

[00:43:04] Sharene: Anyway, let’s keep moving on. 

[00:43:06] Gary: I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to say. Okay. So I had a problem with that. Somehow another, I came over my fear and I changed when talking to you and I try to do things differently. And that chance that I took lead me here. A lot of people don’t understand that when you go past your fear and this kind of also goes into another show that we just finished watching, which is the whole thing with Will Smith and. 

[00:43:36] Sharene: The “Welcome to earth”.

[00:43:37] Gary: “Welcome to Earth”. Where he was talking about how some of his deepest, darkest fears he decided to, you know, meet head on. And it’s only past those fears. Does he realize the true capabilities of himself? And what the world and life has for him. And I didn’t realize any of my future potential or any of the potential that I may have had. 

[00:44:03] Sharene: As an adult. You mean in adulthood, you mean? 

[00:44:06] Gary: In adulthood, until I started to meet my fears head on. You know, challenge myself, you know, change. And those things really didn’t start for me until 2010. You know, and you’ve seen me meet all of those challenges, all of those fears and all of those different changes that I’ve had to make. And because of them, a lot of the things that I was connected to, or the people that I were connected to all of those things have either changed or gone away.

And I’m a different person. So when I look at. And, you know, this is just an observational view, personal opinion. You know, because of what exists in my world, everybody’s world is different. So I can’t, you know, judge you or say anything about the way that you live your life, but in my life, all the things that aren’t acceptable to me or wouldn’t be acceptable to me, I can’t be around.

And those things get shed away. As I started to change and go through the things that helped me to mature and become the man that I am today. 

[00:45:14] Sharene: And see, I didn’t, I didn’t get my, my challenging and chain. Not only to know, I don’t think I would call it changing my. Me challenging myself, like someone would do in adulthood happened for me at like the age of 16. And it happened at the age of 16 when I was in, I became a junior in high school and that’s when I did my nursing program, uh, to be a licensed nurse. And that’s something that people typically do. After they finished high school. Once they turn 18, they may go to college to, you know, study nursing. And I was getting hit with that out of my own choice at the age of 16 and having to challenge myself and make the change of, of, of being able to. Well to go from just doing high school, regular high school stuff, and enjoying that, that high school experience to saying, okay, I may have to forego this high school experience because of this choice that I made. And now I have to manage completing high school. And at the same time, completing nursing school, all at the same time.

And I was doing that within the same school. And that had to challenge me to try to be, do something that you would normally do as an adult quote, unquote 18, to be able to, you know, get your career going as an adult. I think that kind of jumped started me. In trying to handle the responsibility because even during that time, I had to be responsible for coming to school in high school, not really coming to the school, but there were certain days that I wouldn’t go straight to high school.

I would have to go to a hospital so I can do, uh, my clinical rotations and I would spend half the day at the, at the hospital. And then I’d have to make my way myself back to high school, back to the high school, to complete my high school courses. So, it was gen, it was a great big responsibility for someone at the age of 16 that someone, uh, over 18 would normally experience.

[00:47:15] Gary: Okay. So there’s two points to that, but also to add to it, like I said, at 16, almost 17, I had a child and so at 17, I had to leave high school directly, and go to a job. That I had to work. Well, we got out at 2 30, 3 o’clock. I had to be at the job by four o’clock and I had to work from four to nine or 10 o’clock and then Saturdays and Sundays, I had to work.

So I had no free time. 

[00:47:43] Sharene: Terrible. I can’t. I couldn’t. 

[00:47:47] Gary: You know, and then when everybody had a summer break, Nope, Gary’s at a job working all summer. Through the winter, I didn’t get breaks like that. I had child support to pay. So. 

[00:47:59] Sharene: You had to take on those responsibilities because of decisions. 

[00:48:03] Gary: That I made. 

[00:48:04] Sharene: Yeah. 

[00:48:04] Gary: So from very early on, you know, mentally I was an adult.

[00:48:10] Sharene: Yep. Mentally you were forced into adult ways because of certain things.

[00:48:19] Gary: My situation’s a little bit different, but in most cases to go along with what you were saying that you dealt with, as far as when you, your mindset started to look at things differently. Women mature a lot earlier than men do. It’s just a known fact. 

[00:48:34] Sharene: That’s what they say. 

[00:48:35] Gary: Known fact. Okay. So the fact that it takes us a lot longer to mature than women do, it’s understandable, uh. Two, trauma also plays a big effect, in someone’s capability of emotional and mental growth. Dealing directly with maturity, emotional maturity, you know, leading to this emotional adolescents that we’re talking about. Um, in my particular instance. 

[00:49:03] Sharene: You mean eternal adolescence. 

[00:49:05] Gary: Yeah, Adolescents. Eternal adolescents, I’m sorry. That’s right. Eternal adolescence. In my particular instance, right after having that child, my life was full of turmoil all the way up until no, literally. Until I moved down here, I was full of turmoil, trauma that I still have to deal with current day. So I am very much realistic when understanding how people can be stuck in eternal adolescents because of external and internal things that either they did not have any control of or did have any, did have control of and just haven’t been able to do anything about just yet. 

[00:49:48] Sharene: But you have to be constantly working towards getting out of that eternal adolescents to try to move forward into adulthood and, and living your life, taking care of your soon to be your current family. 

[00:50:02] Gary: Now, the problem is that people either don’t know the, or don’t know what tools they may have available to them. Like that’s something that we get into all the time. I may not know. Tools that you would have known, or I don’t know what to search or I don’t know what to look up. There’s a lot of things that I’ve learned in this relationship, you know, terms or terminologies that have been used to identify the specific symptoms or things that I dealt with in life that I would have never known.

[00:50:35] Sharene: I don’t either. I mean, you know, nobody knows everything and, uh, we all learn something from somewhere, whether it’s going to be from, uh, parents or family members or people that you may have gone to school with, whether high school or, or college, you know, you can still learn from these people, people, if you still remain in contact with them, if you have a job, you know, coworkers that you may become, uh, close with, you know, you may have certain things that, uh, That you have in common personally in your personal life.

Um, and you utilize those resources. And, and of course now, you know, we’ve got the internet and even though everything on the internet is not considered true or fact, you know, you can still find information that can help, that can help guide you, um, in the, in a direction that you want to go. 

[00:51:20] Gary: So to wrap this thing up on our website, we’re going to have a link to show you seven different signs that you may be able to identify of someone who is stuck in adolescents permanently. Maybe you can either help them, give to them, or just have a little bit more patience because you can understand a little bit better why they’re stuck in that mindset. Or maybe just have a little bit more patience within yourself to know either they may be dealing with something that you’re not aware of.

And going back to another topic or another episode that we had mental health is extremely important and you don’t know what may be going on with someone that causes them to do the things that they’re doing or think, or act the way that they’re acting. 

[00:52:09] Sharene: And know that these seven things are not like the end all be all it’s, you know, there, there of course would, could possibly be other factors that, um, play a role in a person being in that eternal adolescent phase.

[00:52:23] Gary: However, I will say this, a lot of those things is not going to allow you to come around me and mine. Yeah. 

[00:52:28] Sharene: And it’s, it’s hard to deal with it. It definitely is. And it’s something that, you know, if you do allow that type of, um, individual, you know, into your life, that you have an idea of what you’re dealing with and potentially can help that person. And if that person’s willing to get help to move out of that phase. 

[00:52:45] Gary: Or if you have the patience to deal. 

[00:52:47] Sharene: Yes, you have to have the patience to deal with that.

[00:52:49] Gary: I ain’t got the patience. With that, um, Happy New Year to you all! Thank you for keeping up with us. Thank you for listening to this episode. We appreciate you. 

[00:52:59] Sharene: Peace out! 

[00:53:00] Gary: Peace! 

[00:53:02] Intro/Outro: Enjoyed this episode.

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